stuff

1. I'm trying to sell my house. It's a damn lot of work, and the money crap is driving me nuts! All I want is to get the hell out of here, and rent someplace and have an extra grand a month to save, pay bills, go out to dinner with, and afford an avocado every now and then.

2. Last week, I asked a kid to stop singing in class. He said, "I can't Ms. Speiser, I have a song in my heart."

3. check out my two new food site links. yum I'm gonna make the ham and cheese muffins tonight...YUM!

Rules! From Craigslist.

Note to the dogs

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2007-08-16, 1:43PM CDT


Dear Dogs of Mine,

It seems that lately things have gotten a smidge slack around here. I feel it is time to remind you of the rules that heretofore we have operated under. You are both cute dogs, but your continued cuteness in no way negates our previous agreement. Let me remind you of a few details of this agreement.

1. In exchange for room and board, you are to guard the kingdom. That would be guarding the kingdom from any and all bad guys, robbers, serial killers, etc. Feel free to bark maniacally at any of those that should appear in the yard. Guarding the kingdom does NOT include barking maniacally at bunnies, squirrels, cows, sheep and invisible things that only you can see, especially between the hours of 5am (when I stumble out of bed to let you out) and 8am (when I actually have to be out of bed to get to work).
(And let me take a moment here to remind you that the pizza guy is a potential bad guy. He is not your friend. Just because he comes bearing food does not allow him free and easy access to the kingdom. He is potentially way more dangerous than the bunnies that you threaten to tear limb from limb.)

2. All of the stuff that lives in the toy basket is yours. Everything else is mine. Yours includes squeaky balls, random bones, partially unstuffed stuffed animals and chew ropes. Mine includes any and all shoes on the floor (especially the expensive leather ones), underwear that missed the hamper, bras, socks, dishtowels, the remote, the cell phone, the legs of my grandmother's antique chair and the vacuum. Did I mention shoes? ALL the shoes are mine. They come in pairs, not quads, for a reason.

3. The cat gets to sleep on the bed. You do not. You each weigh 50 pounds. The cat weighs 12. You sleep smack dab in the middle of the bed with all four feet spread out covering approximately 12 square feet apiece. The cat sleeps in a neat little ball covering about 2 square feet. The cat does not bring fleas into the house. You do. You, dogs, will never be allowed to sleep on the bed. Quit sneaking up when you think I'm not looking. Your 50 pounds of dogginess negates your stealth superpowers. I know you are up there!!

4. Speaking of the cat- when he hunkers down into that little mound, lays his ears back, squints his eyes and growls way back in his chest, HE IS NOT A HAPPY KITTY. Leave him alone. He does not want to play with you. What he wants to do is poke your eyes out and shread the skin around your face. He can do that, you know. Five of his 6 ends are really sharp and pointy. He has previously shown very little restraint. Clearly he enjoys smacking you upside the head with a paw full of claws. Do not aggrevate him. When he takes your head off after you have cornered him, I will let him. You have been forewarned.

5. The cat is mean. He will lead you down a path to destruction. He likes to tear around the house winding you up. He does this knowingly and intentionally. When you chase him, I will only yell at you for careening into walls and furniture. He knows this. Quit falling for it.

6. If you find something in the garbage can, assume that I intend for it to be there. Platic tampon shells are not chew toys. Don't eat them.

7. Also not for doggy consumption- anything you find in the litter box. This is why you no longer get to kiss me.

8. You are allowed to sleep on the furniture. You are not allowed to eat the furniture.

9. Yes, I have to leave every day to go to work. No, you cannot go with me. That's why there are two of you, so you can entertain each other. The cat gets to stay in the house. You both have to stay outside while I'm gone. The cat does not chew things up. You do. Quit whining about it. Your porch is air-conditioned. It's just like inside the house minus the sofa. If you'd quit chewing up dog beds, it would be just like inside the house. You have made your own proverbial bed by destroying two very expensive dog cushions.

10. I have opposable thumbs. This is why I get to be in charge. I can open cans, doors, and bags of treats. I am the only one in the house that can operate the hose sprayer. I'm also the only one with a driver's license and a car. I win. Being cute is no match for opposable thumbs.

While I in no way wish to suppress your rightful dogginess, I feel that these very simple guidelines will allow us to continue to co-exist in peaceful harmony. Please know though, that should you choose to continue in willful violation of these rules, I WILL PUT THE CAT IN CHARGE. He has just been itching for a position in management.

Much thanks,
The Human

I'm the "I'm your friend when your boyfriend dumps you or goes out of town" friend

And I'm freakin' sick of it!

oh, I have so much work to do...

Guys Are Such Shitty Communicators

Girl #1, nonchalantly: So I was just like, 'Whatever.'
Girl #2: Right.
Girl #1, angrily: But then he was just like, 'Whatever.'
Girl #2: What?!
Girl #1, victoriously: Yeah! So then I was just like, 'Whatever.'
Girl #2: He's such an asshole.

--87th & Broadway

Overheard by: Emily

via Overheard in New York, Sep 14, 2007

Ahhh, the farm...

So, my summer is officially over. School started. I've had two weeks back at work, and I'm enjoying my first weekend without a sucky-ass second job, but also my first weekend with papers to grade. Damn.

Oh well.

But here's some cute pictures from the summer farm sitting gig. Man, I love that place. I just spent way too much time looking for property and horses out that way...

I don't remeber HER babysitting us...

Have They Tried Denying Him Four Times?

Woman #1: The kids I babysit are... I wanna say 'satanic.'
Woman #2: Wow.
Woman #1: I know it sounds strong, but every time I'm over there they're like, 'Let's think of different ways to kill Jesus.'

--Fordham University

Overheard by: Charlie

via Overheard in New York, Jul 14, 2007

and...more

4th

Like, seriously, can you believe this? AND, nobody was there. AND, it was, oh, I don't know...90? And it was just us three girls, and our boy dogs, and that's it. Beautiful. Heaven. You could walk out to the lip of the shallow water, and jump in, if you wanted (but it was breathtakingly cold). I won't tell a single soul where this was, because I plan on camping there tons.

Book Meme (even though I don't know what that means)

So-the idea is that you prove your nerdiness. Stop what you're doing and look around you. Grab the closest book. Not your favorite one, the one that is physically closest to you. Now, open it to page 161. Find the fifth full sentence. Post it.

"But beyond the Far Terrirtories, see, over the Raucous Monutains, down through the Lost Camps, and way across the Big River, there's a spot called Applelawn."

From Summerland by Machael Chabon.

Yeah--it's a lame post, but gimme a break, I'm sick. Sick, sick sick! Ack!

Oh! But here's some camping pictures--Mel and I went to Rock Creek Resevoir, kind of by Dufur. It was nice--mellow. Lots of reading. Sam swims!

kids

So, a haiku:

As the weather warms
I am reminded that they
all need some new shoes

And, a quote:
If you google myspace
I'll youtube your yahoo.

seriously.

Whine

I am SOOOOO tired. That's it. A whine. I know, pathetic. Sorry. I have my moments.

I'm working too hard, there is too much to do, and I'm exhausted.

On the upside--I'm just completely loving my job (just the teaching one--the other three are just blah, but needed). Seriously. Loving it. I'm loving what I'm doing, I'm loving the kids (even the sticky ones) and--even though there is tons and tons of drama--I'm even loving (most of) the people I work with. It's crazy, I know. Especially with the drama, but truly, it's the kids and what we're working on. It's seriously cute--they are excited about what they are doing and what they are reading--how cute is that?

I'm a nerd.

Yesterday, after my chiropractic exam, I went and did 3 hours of hard physical labor for a friend. They paid me $40 and fed me too, but sheesh, I'm sore. Exhuasted and sore. I moved lumber and rocks. And did some minor cleaning up and yard work. Ugh. But, it's $40 that I didn't have before. But--when I got back, I was too tired to do any of the work at home I needed to do (like school work, and house work). Sigh. Now...off to Gravy. Ick.

I hate hate hate money and not having it.

Here's the new pup, though--sweet thing he is....

A few notes...

1. I fully expect a visit from Hangover Henrietta tomorrow.

2. I have great friends.

3. I quit my fourth job on Friday, before I even started. Is that so awful? I'm not quite sure...four jobs might be too much, even for the likes of me.

4. I have a crush.

5. My garden is sprouting, and the front of my house looks so cute with all the bulbs coming up and the rain garden all happy!

6. I can't wait for the next dry day (which may be a while seeing as a) it's April and b) this IS Oregon) because I'm going to rototill like a mofo and put a flower bed in along the eastern fence!

7. I may may may be adopting an old yellow boy dog lab. Whoot!

A nice break in the stormy weather...

I enjoyed a well-deserved pause in the tempestuous hangover season...(ha! Like there's a season!). The calm, smooth-sailing was most likely brought on by the arrival of the Dread Gamboo, which is still lingering like the awful plague it is...however, I am dedicated if nothing else. Girls' night has graced me with the lovely (yet weak) Camilla. Category one, but she may linger. No shakes or aches, but a little slow on the uptake.

Throwing in a picture of Ziggy Brown Dog just for fun, and because he's so dang handsome. He has nothing to do with Camilla, but I don't have a picture that does...so there you have it.

Introducing...

Today's hangover is brought to you by Melanie and Shelby.

Bettina. She's a beauty, too, enhanced by lack of sleep and smokey dive bars, she comes with the shakes and a sore, sore head. One of the best things about Bettina is that she has no respect for early mornings or work days.

Ladies and Gentlemen: Bettina.

So wicked it deserves a name

I have decided to start naming my hangovers. Kind of like hurricanes. Alphabetically. This one, it's name is Aden.

Nobody should subject their bodies to what I did last night. It's just wrong.

Today, I pay.

Aden.

The Chump and the Troll

Have you ever gone over and over something that sucked in your past? You know, kind of obsessed over it, a little. Lost sleep, and maybe a little weight?



A few years ago, there was this guy...and...he dumped me. I was shattered. I 1) had never been dumped, and 2) could not understand his reason ("I love you, but I don't see us together in 50 years." --Whatever that means.



Well...the other day, I'm out to dinner, and in walks this chump with his new girl. Except that--oh my god!--she's a troll! Really! Fat and frumpy and has the down-turny mouth and everything! AND--they were not a happy couple. I mean, you know how when you see couples, you can just tell if they're having fun? I don't think these two even looked at each other! There was no smiling, no touching, no laughing, no fun. It was...well...I felt downright uncomfortable for them. Ha! The chump and the troll! I feel just a little bad about enjoying this so much...but, I mean, I'm pretty cool...I rock, even, and...well...you know...you could've been with me! Chump. HahahahaHAhahah! Chump and troll.

so not fair!!!

Seriously, if YOU are sick, then it isn't fair if your dog gets sick, too. There is just not enough energy to deal with a sick dog when you can't even get out of bed! COME ON, dog! Get better!

Humorosity from last week:

1) fart spray. Oh yeah, I work in a middle school
2) the THONG PANTY LINER that was slapped on one girl's hoodie by her friend. She walked down the hall with it. Seriously. And she thought it was funny! (it was not used...) That's not funny! Funny is...um...well, I don't know, but that isn't it! I'd say that thong panty liners are kind of funny, but they aren't really...they're just wrong.
3) my 6th period singing to me...to the Fergalicious song..."Ain't no other teacher put it down like me."

trains are like school...kind of

See...we do this thing, at school, where we catch kids doing the right thing. They do something nice, and they get a Gotcha! The transit authority must have spies in the Middle School Underground.

The Advance Scout from Planet X Blows Its Cover

Guy: You know, they're giving away money on the T train for being nice.
Bimbette: What?
Guy: The T train -- they're giving away money to people who are nice.
Bimbette: Who are?
Guy: The T train.
Bimbette: How can a train give away money?
Guy: Not the train. The people -- the train people.
Bimbette: Why would they give away money?
Guy: To encourage people to be nice. They give it to people who do nice things.
Bimbette: Nice things?
Guy: Yeah, like holding open the door, letting someone have your seat -- nice things.
Bimbette: How can they just give away money?
Guy: It's not actual money. They're gift certificates to Dunkin' Donuts.
Bimbette: What's a donut?
Guy: Are you fucking kidding me?

--A train

Overheard by: this imaginary train you speak of sounds nice

via Overheard in New York, Jan 21, 2007

Because it's funny...

So...I know it's a little mean, but it's also pretty darn funny. Here's the thing...this woman--this AWFUL woman I work with, she's a Sudoku maniac. But she's awful, too--like, she doesn't understand why Christmas trees aren't allowed in public schools, and she says things like, "those people" and she boycotted Walmart because they said Season's Greetings instead of Merry Christmas. Oh, that's just the beginning, too. I mean, she wears a thong (she's in her 40s!) and she wears pants that make it obvious that she's wearing a thong (did I mention she's in her 40s?). Well...every day, she cuts the Sudoku puzzle out of the paper at lunch. So, occasionally, I go in and cut it out, before lunch. Just to bug her. But...and here's the clever part...I don't do it every day, because I want her to keep her hopes up that it might be there. Isn't that just awful?

But, kind of funny, too?

grrr....

I am in a foul, foul mood. Grrr....

I hate that I had to go back to work today (but that's not why I'm in a foul mood...I just am). It sucked having to pretend to like people and answer questions about my sucky-ass holiday. Grrr....

Life would be so much more fun if I were completely crazy and growling was a socially accepted means of communication.